It cracks me up how our two girls just will not walk anywhere. Kate runs and Kendall gallops. Even getting into bed tonight, Kendall went over to her closet to hang something on the doorknob and then gallops back to bed. Wouldn't we all look ridiculous if we did that now? I think the next time I get groceries I'm going to gallop down the aisles. When does that stop? One day out of the blue I'll realize that they are walking and it will make me sad. I want to bottle up every little moment because I don't know which one will be it's last, the last time she gallops to bed, the last time she says "bless yous" instead of 'sneezes,' the last time Kate goes to throw her dirty clothes in the hamper before bath time but forgets to take off her socks (hilarious I tell you, she does it almostevery single time, do you know how funny it is to see a little two year old streaking through your house with her socks on?!). Here's that word again: balance. I'm having a hard time between not wanting them to get another day older and not being able to wait until they are able to experience all that comes with growing up...that first 2 wheeler bike ride, that first lost tooth, that freedom from driving the first time...). I want both to bottle them up and watch them experience life, I think that is why I work so hard to preserve each memory by either blogging about it or taking a picture or making a scrapbook page about it. So that when they are grown and on their own I can relive these days. No matter how much I strive to enjoy the moment I know that I'll have regrets, don't all moms? I'll wish I hadn't cleaned this or that, wish I hadn't stopped to blog about something but instead just spent that time sniffing their sweet little girl hair smells and stealing their little girl snuggles. You just have to find that balance I guess, that ever elusive balance.
Gosh that hits home. Here we sit, just two short years later and both girls are riding a two wheeler, Kendall has lost four of her tiny baby teeth and we have another little one in the house. Just as I predicted the mommy regret has already creeped in. Do I spend enough time, am I already forgetting too much, are we doing it right, what will they remember? Will it be me sitting on the floor and playing Sleeping Queens, Brian spending a Saturday morning with them running errands and picking out special treats or are they going to remember those times that I regret: my distracted, "uh huh" to their chatter or his business dinners and trips that takes him away.
That's another advantage to this blog and the pages holding our memories, it makes ME remember. Not just the time that has passed but also remember the times I want to create now. I want time spent looking into their big eyes while they share the little stuff because when they know I listen to the little stuff they'll come to me with the big stuff. I'm reminded that one day I want to look back at this time of my life and know that I made those moments count. Because it's only been two years but Kendall doesn't gallop home from the bus stop like she once galloped to her bed at night and Kate never forgets to take off her socks before getting into the bath at night. It's gone. Those days are passed. But they're still there, on the blog page and clear in my memory. Instead now I'll cherish the joy one little girl gets from creating play-doh cakes, and a bigger girl's stories of what is happening at school. Now I have Jack to supply more memories, like his begging for, "hot nummies" (hot yummy food) or his invitation for me to come to his house (the space under the stairs). You better believe that I accept those invitations, I duck my head and I crawl into an awkward position and soak it in because one day I'll turn around and realize that he doesn't play under the stair anymore and I'll miss it.