Sunday, July 04, 2010

I Heard & Motherhood Ramblings.

This week I have heard a few things that I immediately had to write down and I have been thinking about non-stop.
Elizabeth Edwards said she wanted to live eight more years because at that time she would have walked each of her children to the next chapter of their lives.

I have had this image in my head of mother's holding their children's' hands, leading them to a doorway and then encouraging them as they walk through the door. Isn't that what we do as mothers? We're just working each day to teach our kids what they will need to know for that next step. We're constantly observing, seeing what is missing, incorporating lessons of life in every little milk spill, tear fall, and good or bad choice. We're teaching through the accidents, loving through the mistakes, and disciplining through rebellion (not my line either but another one that I love).

Motherhood in general has been on my mind a lot, not a surprise since I'm preparing to increase the number of ducklings that follow me around. I've always been really attracted to Brian's ambition in his career. It's not an ambition that I have ever had, my ambitions have ALWAYS been family related. Would this make feminists gasp? It's okay, it's what I choose and I'm not ashamed of my "Stay-at-home-mom" title. It's my job (one that I absolutely love) and I work hard to do it well. I think that is part of why I get frustrated during pregnancies, my body won't let me do as much as I would like to or what I know it is normally capable of. It frustrates me to no end that my kids are watching Barney movies in the afternoon because I need to lay down. I have been laying awake every night, mind racing, so excited for what is to come. Excited for the baby smell of sweetness, lotion, and milkshake all rolled into a snug swaddled bundle, excited to watch Kendall and Kate stretch and grow into this new role of extra big sisters (their next chapter?), excited to get into our new routine--finding what works for us and what doesn't, excited to see Brian hold his son, a son that will carry on the name that Brian shares with his own father and grandfather.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all sugar and spice, there are definitely fears and guilt and anxiety about if I'm doing a good job, fears that change depending on the week. This week my fear was that I'm not instilling enough confidence in my girls. Again, something I heard--a middle school age kid that suffered from such poor self esteem that he was filled with self doubt and negative feelings about himself. But, we learn as we go...them and me. They're teaching me as much as I teach them, I think. We make it, we will make it. We'll work towards this next chapter and then the next one until finally... (the last thing I heard this week that has had me thinking), "The little person that I hold in my arms tonight is the one that will be holding my hand when I die." All three of them, hmmm, one will just have to hold my foot because I'm running out of hands. Mom--you don't have enough appendages for all of your kids.

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